Let's Destroy FanFiction!
by adversary2113
Summary: Sequel to Let's Shut Down FanFiction. The 29Downers have their final battle with Adversary2113 and the hated site! Guest starring all of you!
1. Chapter 1

Author Here: I updated this for Beware of Dogs sake. The misspellings of reviewers names was intentional because, at one time, when I mentioned a reviewer's name, the system ate the name. I did not know it was no longer doing that. Beware of Dogs, thanks. I'm the idiot, not you!

**Let's Destroy Fanfiction !**

**The Sequel to Let's Shut Down Fanfiction.**

**Lex laughed maniacally as he hit the enter key on his brand new five thousand dollar computer. The 29 Downers had pooled their money for the hunt for the dreaded adversary 2113, who had written entire series of stories portraying them as degenerates, at the least and they had hired an attorney. Who had told them basically three things:**

**1) Thanks for the $55,000 and I'm going to Vegas Friday,**

**2) It's a free country, 1st**** amendment above all, including common sense, and **

**3) Good luck finding him, her, or it before their money ran out.**

**So, they had decided to sic their resident genius loose with the best computer they could buy and try to make life as difficult for adversary 2113 and the hated fan fiction site as they could.**

" **Well, someone's been hitting the starbursts I see, " Eric drawled from the battered futon in the far corner of Jackson's apartment. He was staying the night, AGAIN, as Jackson had put it. Eric had become a lot friendlier with Jackson since they had discovered three things in common. A love of cheap wine, a love of Asian porn, ( which had caused Mel to have to triple up on her weekly therapy) and the fact that they were both obsessed with tracking their internet stalker down and ruining his life for a change. **

**Daley and Nathan were sitting in the fuzzy loveseat Mel had bought for Jackson as a housewarming present. It was fuzzy, comfortable and brand new. It was also florescent hot pink. " It looks like someone chugged Pepto Bismol and puked on it!" had been Nathan's delighted statement when he had first seen it. And he and Daley inevitable sat on it whenever the came over for another attempt to track adversary 2113 down. Daley was laying across Nathan, her white shirt and shorts almost at half mast as they continued with the fairly heavy petting until Jackson walked over from the kitchen, dousing them with ice water.**

" **Dude!" Nathan said, hopping up, dumping a fighting mad Daley to the floor with a thud. She sprang to her feet, blouse and hair soaked. She sent a glare at Jackson, but , no fool, decided it was safer to simply smack Nathan, rather than tangle with Jackson. He would probably hit back. She swatted the fluffy haired , chortling teen with her right hand. He fell back o the arm of the much maligned loveseat, covering his bushy head.**

" **Hey, " he protested, still laughing, "I didn't do it, he did! Hit him!" He pointed at Jackson, who had a look on his face that said "Do it and Die!" He stood and pulled his soaked blue shirt off, displaying his respectable six pack, which made Daley dramatically swoon to the eyesore of a loveseat.**

"**Oh, I'm suddenly so hot, so bothered, by your Zac Efron like sexiness," she quipped as she fanned herself with a grin of pure mischief. Nathan had a hatred of all things Efronesque that bordered on the obsessed.**

" **Zac Fucking Efron?! That damn hermaphrodite?! He's as masculine as my grandma!"**

**Daley shot back, " Well, she does have a bit of a beard."**

**He sent a bird at her , then leaned in for an other embrace. Jackson threw an ice cube at them. It missed, but they took the hint and got up.**

**Speaking of obsessions:**

" **Ok Lex, here's your drink." Jackson said as he walked up behind the youngster, handing a cold Red Bull to the sugar buzzed hacker. Lex snatched it like a drowning man would a life jacket, popping the top and guzzling half of it in two seconds time. He let out a colossal belch, then turned his dark face up to Jackson with a demonic grin .**

" **I've gotten into the main system. I've hit them with so many system errors, people are sending death threats to them.! You wouldn't believe just how pissed off some of these authors get when I make their stories disappear like Daley's panties after Nathan's been in her bedroom." he sent a look of evil at the loving couple on the couch.**

" **You damn perv, " Daley said, hitting Nathan again and again ith her balled fist. There was more amusement that malice in her voice though, " No wonder I've had to buy new ones twice this month. I thought Lex was doing it!" **

" **EWW! That's just nasty; you're my step sister! Incest ain't best" Lex screeched in outrage, knocking starburst wrappers to the floor as he whirled the chair back around and went back to his explanation of his frenzied activities, but not before mumbling, " Nothing sexy about pink and green granny panties anyway. Not when I can snatch Mel's thongs outta Jackson's's bedroom any time I want, or buy 'em second hand from Eric." He smirked, knowing fun as going to be had after that revelation..**

" **You little snitch!" Eric said in protest as Jackson glowered at him from where he stood at Lex's shoulder. " Hey, I had to make money somehow! Mom and Dad froze my account after someone sent a copy of Crash Landing to them! Man, Mom nearly had a stroke wwwwhen she read it. And she want's me to see a shrink; she thinks I may be having impure thoughts about her now. Owww!!" He howled as Jackson snatched a AA battery off the desk and pegged him right in the crotch with it.**

" **Touch Mel's thongs again, either of you, and I swear, I'll strip your asses and throw you out on the street . Bet you two can make plenty of cash then, playing with the urban Pedo bears ." He gave them both a last glare before returning to the topic at hand. " Ok, Lex fill us in."**

**Lex spoke: " Ok, like I said, I've been able to take control over some parts of the system. Stories are vanishing, reviews are lost, and even their avatars are resetting themselves at random now. Plus, I've sent in almost three hundred fake reviews, just to piss people off. And even the preview pages are giving out of date information now. They can't trust a single part of the system." he looked pleased with himself as he supped at the Red Bull, chewing three starbursts at the same time. **

" **Any complaints?" Jackson asked hopefully.**

"**Are you kidding?! They've crashed the support email seven times in less than a week! And some of these email, wow. Adversary isn't the only nut on the fan fiction family tree. This Hades character threaten to send a voodoo hougan there to hex them. Lezone or whatever her name is suggested sixteen different anatomical impossibilities for them to do with their mainframe. WOODLAWNIAN sent a box of dead fishes heads to their corporate office, Beware of Dogs sent a freaking horse head to them and said to watch the Godfather if they couldn't figure the message out. Angelo Vengeance8's been picketing them. Sugar 144 , dally 2, jelissalover and two dozen others got smart. They started emailing the advertisers with complaints. Rumor is, the founder is contemplating suicide over the whole mess." **

" **Hmm, " Jackson said, " we need to step it up some then."**

**Lex gurgled," Step it up?! If I do much more, I'll get arrested for certain, even if I did set up a dummy account to do all this through! I'm too young and good looking to go to prison." He had tears in his eyes, until Jackson reassured him. Content, he turned his attention to an unopened pack of certs.**

" **You won't go to prison Lex. You're too good at hacking to get caught. Besides, after Mel and Taylor do their part, fan fiction will be destroyed once and for all. Let's see adversary 2 1 1 3 post stories on a site that doesn't exist." Jackson said with a rare look of happiness.**

**Daley spoke up, " Are you sure the two of them can pull it off? I mean, they may have to actually sleep with that guy to get to where they need to go."**

" **Mel said she's had enough of her supposed sex life on this damn site. And Taylor's still pissed because everybody thinks she's a lesbian in real life now. And I'm still getting email saying me and Eric make such a cute couple. Damn, if I found his ass drowning, I sure as hell wouldn't wind up bottoming for him on a beach. I'd hold his ass under until I was sure he wouldn't get up." There as a tender look on his face despite the acerbic tone.**

" **Asshole. Eric said in resignation. He was used to daily death threats from Jackson by now. It didn't bother him anymore. **

**They had just celebrated their first week anniversary the day before, them and Mel. Talk about life imitating art.**

**Nathan said" I jut hope they get there ok. I can't believe they let Captain Russell fly them to Canada! They'll wind up in the Bahama's or Iraq with him doing the flying."**

**Lex said it nicely. " All we can do now is see if the two of them can get me the rest of the way in. Until then, I've done all the damage I can."**

" **Then it's a waiting game now. Let's go grab some supper. My treat. " Jackson said, pulling Eric up from the futon roughly . **

**As the door closed behind them, the screen flickered on the computer.**

**Chapter 11 of Out On an Island had just posted and it couldn't have infuriated Jackson more than if it had been written with that purpose in mind.**

**Next: Captain Russell, Mel and Taylor break into Fanfiction HQ!**


	2. Chapter 2

Author Here: In my story, fan fiction's HQ is located in Spokane. No reason other than it's a good place to get lost trying to find.

Chapter Two

" I am NEVER , EVER getting in a plane _You _are flying again!" Taylor stumbled in the thick underbrush as she raged about Robert Russell, who was ignoring her. " First you get us lost three hundred miles from Palau, then you get us lost out here in Bigfoot country! Eric was right, you should have Captain Chaos tattooed on your foreskin!"

" Forehead." Mel said mildly as she walked alongside the petite, blonde haired Taylor, nudging her out of the way as she pulled ahead.

" NOT NEARLY PAINFUL ENOUGH!" Taylor railed.

" It was an honest mistake Taylor," the balding, heavyset Robert Russell insisted, for the seventh time since they had been forced to bail out of the small single engine plane. " How was I supposed to know the new compass had been put in wrong?! And the GPS had a short in it. And the engine was gonna catch on fire. My cousin Sparky said he'd fixed all that. And it was a lot cheaper than the mechanics at the airport could have done." He stood there in his neon green and yellow Hawaiian shirt and baggy black shorts, trying his best to look completely innocent as the two teenaged girl glared at him.

Mel asked scathingly, " Captain, just what does Sparky do for a living?"

Russell mumbled softly, " He fixes engines. On lawn mowers." He brightened up though, trying to force confidence into his voice, " But he's been flying model planes for thirty years. The only difference is the size of the motors! C'mon, can't blame me for trying to save a buck or two." He gave his best, most inning smile at them.

Taylor pegged him in the ample stomach with a pine cone. " Idiot! You flying a plane is like Eric going into the porno business; some horrors weren't meant for human to endure!"

" Uh, we talked him out of going into porn, " Mel whispered in an aside to Taylor.

Taylor looked surprised, "How? He seemed really anxious."

"He was until he sent a demo tape in and the porno company asked him what was he wanting to do, screw chickens with that thing? They said he could be a fluffer though, he definitely seemed to be great at, er, handling his own business. Of course, Lex set it up, with a little help from Abby." Mel confided conspiritorrialy " She had the most beatific expression as she recalled that letter. Lex was so damn good with computers!

" It's going to be dark soon, " Mel said as she looked up into the slowly darkening sky, dark clouds clearly visible. "We'd better look for shelter. Man, we don't even have a tent to pitch." The raven haired Amerasian teen shook her head in a disgusted manner.

" If we did, you could pitch it for us, couldn't you Captain, " Taylor asked acidly, " Seems like pitching tents is all your good for. And I still haven't forgotten how you felt me up trying to put my parachute on me! Damn pedobear!" And with that, the fight was on, as Mel sighed in disgust.

" I'm not a Pedo Bear. I hate that phrase! I'm a nice guy, with seven kids of my own. And that just from my two ex wives. I have twins on the way with number three! You're just mad because you have to seduce that tech weenie when we get to fan fiction hq!" He laughed heartily, " And he looks like the bastard love child of Captain Spaudling from Devil's Rejects and Lurch from the Addams family."

Taylor had a look on her face, like she had just bitten a worm or had to clothes shop at Goodwill: sheer disgust. She turned and begged Mel yet again, " Say, you haven't reconsidered my offer, have you?"

" Yikes! No way!, Bad enough Jackson's playing for both teams now with me and Eric, no way are you bribing me into messing with Lurch Spaulding ! You're not that rich!" She shook her head and even stamped her size six feet in a firm , negatory fashion.

Taylor walked on angrily, looking back over her shoulder and still complaining loudly to them, " Arrgh! It's my curse to be beautiful, rich, desirable THUNK!!" She fell to the ground in a slump as she walked right into a tree. The tree seemed all right.

" And completely clueless." Mel said as they walked over to her.

" I guess I better carry her." Russell said, looking at his employer and frequent tormentor with distaste. Then he grinned, " Say, when she wakes up, tell her she proposed to me in her sleep and I accepted." he asked with a malicious grin.

" Why would I do that?" Mel asked, tempted mightily, but trying to play nice.

" Hey, there's dangerous things in the mountains at night. Tell her that and I guarantee her screams will keep all the wildlife away!"

Mel's smile was breathtaking in beauty and spine shaking in it's coldness.

Author Here: I had to make this one short: Next chapter's gonna be longer.


	3. Chapter 3

Author Here: To my dear troll, congrats-WORSTficauthoraward (). Hie thee hence to thine kennel and feast upon bovine fecal matter, force with.

Anyways Back to Let's Destroy Fan Fiction!

Chapter Three

" BWAH-HA-HA-HA!" Eric laughed theatrically as he keyed the last of the deliberately provocative review into the fan fiction system. " Man, if that review doesn't make ol' Adversary 2113 want to curl up and cry like a baby, nothing will! Heh hee, I called him a premature pedophile!" The foxy faced teen had a gleam of glee in his gimlet gaze as he glanced at the screen, clearly thinking up more garishly garrulous garbage to post.

Of course, it was all Daley's idea.

" We need to hit him below the belt. That's what he's done to us in all of his damn stories. Let's see if he can dish it out and take it too, " had been her suggestion, offered over the third pizza the five of them had demolished so far today. " I had a lot of success using this technique," she had confided confidently.

Nathan snorted softy as he bit into a golden brown breadstick, " Yeah, you managed to make Mr. Martin quit teaching current events, doing the exact same thing."

Mr. Martin had been a tenured teacher at Hartwell. He had a bad habit of talking down to students that had reached stratospheric levels with Daley. Until she had discovered the man's cell phone, misplaced , in the schools lost and found. She had looked through the phone , trying to figure out the owners identity. She had. And discovered that Mr. Martin definitely had a thing for ending dirty and risqué text messages and , even more bizarrely, short videos of himself while in drag.

There had never been a question in Daley's mind about using the ill gotten information to make the bully back down. It had been a matter of timing it for the maximum damage. And then, the golden opportunity had came. They had begun studying sexual deviancy in the workplace. He had assigned a ten page theme on the issue to the class.

Martin had nearly had a stroke when Daley had went into his office and asked his opinion on her preliminary work. There, on the front page , was a photo of him , hard at work on his paperwork.

Dressed as Queen Victoria, no less. Complete to the wig and ruffled Victorian era reproduction dress.

Needless to say, he had quietly resigned from Hartwell within the week.

" Looking back on it, now I see here you got the urge to go after the class president's slot. It was pure ego, a lust for power, a desire to smash your enemies and prove you're right and everything they believe is wrong, wrong, wrong. To show the whole world that you and only you can be trusted to be our moral guide. Like a certain obnoxious reviewer on that damn site. After all, the rest of us, we're too busy scratching fleas and masturbating to stories we write ourselves to do anything worthwhile." Nathan said, fighting a losing battle against the sheer pomposity of his own comment. A smile slowly spread over his handsome face. His dimples showed clearly.

" Well, it as that, or become an anonymous flaming troll on a site like fan fiction. I chose to go the class president route. Besides, being an anonymous internet troll, that's like being a cheap hooker, only it requires lower standards, less intelligence and no pay." She shot back at him across the table with a smile. Eric suddenly fell out of the chair he was in, aided by the shove Jackson gave said chair as he passed by.

" Get your ass over in the couch where it belongs and let Daley play the mind games for a while herself." he tallish brown haired young man reached down, and grabbed Eric up by the arms , roughly setting him to his feet. Blue eyes met hazel, across a six inch span. Their stood there , both breathing harshly at one another. Jackson winked at him, long eyelashes fluttering briefly. a faint smile on his slightly stubbly face.

Eric: " God, you're a sexy beast." He feigned an incipient swoon. Jackson rapped his knuckles on the top of the battered straw hat, hard.

Jackson: " Damn straight. Now , get over to the couch; Mel's not here and I need my feet rubbed by my other love slave!" He cracked a grin at his own words even as he shoved Eric in the direction of the newest piece of furniture in the room, the couch. And what a couch it was.

It was big. It weighed easily a hundred and fifty pound, being a sleeper sofa. It made a surprisingly comfortable full size bed, actually. There as not a single tear or blemish to be found anywhere on it. It looked practically ne, despite being at least fifteen years old.

It was also, as Lex succinctly put it, "cat puke yellow, with just hint of pigeon poop white , for flavor." And it had one other surprise .

It glowed in the dark. Seriously.

It had been Nathans doing of course. Well, his and Daley's. They had went all the way to a flea market up in San Francisco to purchase the monstrosity, after viewing it on the internet. It even had a pedigree , of sorts. One Nathan had been delighted to share.

" The old owner said he had it on the delivery truck the day of the Rodney King Riots. The looters took everything but that butt ugly couch; they said even looters have some standards, " he'd said with a smirk at the disgusted expression Jackson had sported when they'd brought it to him.

Eric had had another reaction entirely.

" This couch is freaking cool as hell!. Man, I love it; now I have a place to sleep other than that hard ass futon or that broken down water bed you keep in the pleasure pit," his euphemism for the bedroom. "Every time I get up from your bed, my ass is all damp and sticky."

At that point, three different EEEWS had split the air. Jackson had turned a long suffering look to the ceiling and , appropriately enough, there had even been a mild tremor.

Eric sat down with a look of irritation as Jackson followed suit, kicking his Nike's off and stretching his legs across Eric's lap. " All right, time to pay the rent. Get to rubbing!" He looked over and saw Nathan holding his sides as he gurgled with glee. Lex, sitting cross legged in front of Jackson's tv, playing on the Xbox rolled his eyes at their eternal antics while Daley sat don at the computer. Jackson voiced a concern as she did.

" You know, I've been the most vocal about punishing this adversary 2113 jerk for these stories, but we may want to tone it back just a fraction. I don't want to _really_ make him kill himself or something like that. Just severe punishment and an apology is all I ever really wanted. I don't want to sink to the levels of some of his other reviewers, like that Fina bitch or the orstficaward ass. I don't like adversary 2113 one damn bit, but some of that shit they spouted, I don't know." he had a look of concentration and concern on his angular face as Eric rubbed his feet.

Eric looked up from his labors, " Dude, your feet stink! OWW!!" he gasped as Jackson dropped a carefully aimed heel into his crotch. " Hey, you'll castrate a guy like that! Especially with those toenail; damn, ever hear of clippers?!"

Daley quipped, " And wouldn't your castration be a tragedy of epic proportions." She turned her attention to Jackson, asking with a quizzical expression, " I don't get it. We're about to have our friends break in their hq and seduce a guy to fins the real name and address of this guys, who's written whole **novels **about our supposed sex lives and you're having second thoughts about it?! Cody, you've been cooped up in this apartment sniffing Eric's gas or something! We need to hit this guy hard and fast, showing him even less pity than he showed us." Her face was flushed under the emotions her speech had stirred within her.

Jackson patted Eric's near shoulder in a surprisingly affectionate manner as he slowly sat up, placing his bare feet on the hardwood floor. He looked at his friend for a long time. Then he spoke slowly:" Day, if we go to gutter scum tactics and name calling, we're no better than him. In fact, we're worse. We can't mire ourselves in bullshit to do this. No, we'll get the name and address of this guy eventually. And then, we'll go, as a group to him."

He stood up and faced the group. " And when we do, we'll tell him that we don't like what he's doing. That's it's effected our personal lives and we want it stopped. We'll face him in a real setting, not over the 'net, like an anonymous coward. And if he doesn't back off, we'll do things the right way, the legal way."

" No beatings? No bloodshed? Not even a literal slap on the wrist?" Daley said, in an appalled tone, disbelief on her face.

" No." Jackson said firmly. But then he added with a grin, " Of course, we won't tell him that! I'm not above simply scaring the shit outta him!"

" Now, it all depends on Taylor , Mel and Captain Russell." he said.

" Oh God, Cap'n Chaos! Wonder if they're lost yet?" Eric moaned from his seat on the sofa.

Jackson walked back over and plopped down, size twelve feet going back under a sneering Eric's face, " Quit worrying your feeble mind about important things and rub boy, rub. You know you're a skilled rubber!"

Even as the others laughed, Cody was hiding his concern.

_We should have heard from them by now. Damn, what's taking so long? Could they have gotten caught, maybe even put in jail? Mel, please be all right._

And he was wise to be concerned, for at that moment, Taylor, Mel and Russell were running for their lives. Wouldn't you run if a grizzly bear was chasing you?


	4. Chapter 4

Author Here: I wish to say something to one of my favorite reviewers/reader, Beware of Dogs. The first time I ever tried to put a reviewers name in a story, the system would not let me unless I deliberately misspelled it. I didn't know that after the system work last month, now it is no longer the case. I know how you spell your name and I swear, as God is my witness, I'll never intentionally misspell it again.. Now, if you accept my apology, I'll be grateful, just don't pull a josefina or awardworstficaward () on me; I'm a delicate sort of fella and I cry easily, lol.

Chapter Four

"RUN!!!" yelled Mel at the top of here voice as the hairy behemoth growled and snarled.

And when Russell quit making all of his racket, the grizzly Taylor had literally stumbled over began roaring and gnashing it's teeth as well. The sleepy ursine, woken by the weight of Taylor stumbling over it in the dark, seemed to definitely have anger management issues.

Grizzly: "ROOOARR! Snort , GROWWWLLL!"

Taylor: " AHHHH!!!!"

_How do I get myself into these situations?! All Jackson has to do is flutter those A&F eyelashes at me and I lose all common sense. Maybe my psychiatrist is right; I must be obsessed to do something as dumb as get on any plane Bob Russell is flying. And now, I'm going to wind up as bear crap! _The thought of her fate seemed to lend speed to Mel as she plunged down the small mountain side, Taylor and Russell right on her heels, the stepped on and pissed of grizzly making a horrendous racket as it followed them.

Alas, while fear sped Mel up, it didn't give her night vision ; she never knew she was running towards a hole in the ground until she fell in. And only the fact that she rolled onto her side kept Taylor and Russell from landing on her.

" OWWW! That made my liver quiver!" Russell complained loudly, rolling on the damp, soggy floor of the cave. He sat up, rubbing at his bruised and battered backside. Twigs rustled and cracked as he managed to defy gravity and get to his feet.

" Captain Russell, you gotta lay off the beer and bean burritos, you nearly squashed me with that great big butt of yours!" Mel helped Taylor to her feet. Through a fluke of fate, the full moon was almost directly above the cave entrance and the huge piles of old leaves, moss and broken sticks had kept the ten or twelve foot fall from being fatal, although it had still most definitely not been fun. They cold dimly seen around the cave and Mel as about to say so, when a roar from above rattled them.

" Well, " Russell said sourly as the bear peered down and raged at them, "I see our friend is up there waiting to see if we'll come out and play. Which is bad enough, but I don't know how we're gonna get outta here! Hey, is it rainin' ?! Hey, WTF?! GAH!!" he jumped across the pile of runoff, nearly smashing Mel and Taylor in the process.

" What's your damage?!" Taylor hissed at him, pushing him away as hard as she could, " Hey, you smell like a toilet!"

" That damn bear just peed on me!" Russell said , outraged and mortified. He took his desecrated blue and green Hawaiian shirt off , wadded it up and threw it up at the bear. There as a snort, then the unmistakable sound of cloth ripping. Seconds later, the shirt , in shreds, was thrown back down. Apparently, he was smarter than the average bear!

" Oh man, what'll we do now? How are we supposed to get out of here without a rope or ladder or something? And what about that walking carpet?" Taylor said, tears of frustration on her pretty face, her veins on her neck sticking out , her hands balled into fists.

" Hey, I didn't shove you down here… oh, wait, you mean him." Russell said, pointing up at the bear, whose head could be plainly seen, peering down at them. He was sniffing, which was unnecessary. Russell had apparently drowned himself in cologne before the had taken off. Mel had suggested he open a window, just after takeoff. She had been nice, Taylor had suggested he jump out of it.

The two of them had a complicated relationship , to say the least. It seemed equal part grudging respect, mutual hatred and a desire to bring what each perceived was the best out of each other. And they drove everyone around them crazy with it.

Mel spoke up, " Hey, I think I see a way out of here, there's a tunnel in the back. I bet we could find out way out of here, " she said brightly.

" Nuh uh, haven't you ever seen " The Descent"? I'm not going to be hors d'oureves for some mutant inbred hillbillies or something!" Taylor declared stoutly.

The cave seemed to shake as the grizzly rampaged at the lip of the cave. He seemed to be about to try his luck at climbing down.

A point Russell emphasized, " I think Mr. Grizzly is wanting a three course meal." He pointed at them in turn, stopping with himself, " One , Two, Three. Oh crap."

Taylor never missed a beat, " Of course, I shouldn't make fun of inbred mutant hillbillies, they might be nicer than old Furface there. Mel, where did you say that way out was?"

As the bear worked his courage up, the three of them tried desperately to get into the hole in the cave all. If anyone had been within a hundred feet of the cave and if the bear would have shut up for just a moment, they would have heard a forty five year old mans lament to the Almighty:

" God, let me squeeze through this hole and I'll never , ever , use a cousin to fix my plane again! Unless I've had a Really bad week at the dog tracks!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

" You have _got _to be kidding me?!" Jackson said in disbelief, rising from the hideous sofa, knocking Eric to the floor in his haste.

" Ow, dammit, I'm tired of you throwing me around like I'm a damn pillow or something!' Eric lamented as he rubbed his bruised assets. " lex , did I hear you right? Tay, Mel and Russell caught a what?!" he said, not believing he had hear the ten year old correctly as he joined him, Jackosn, Daley and Nathan over by the computer.

Daley looked at the screen , then at Nathan, ho had a grin from ear to ear, He hadn't been this happy since they had announced the cancellation of the Beautiful Life after just two horrific episodes. He hated Corbin Bleu ALMOST as bad as he despised Zac Efron! They both started giggling like seven year old schoolgirls as Lex read the breaking news headline off of MSNBC.

" Lost pilot and teenagers capture the world's first confirmed Sasquatch in a cave , fifty nine miles from Spokane. I don't believe it." Lex said, a smile on his face, " I never even believed in Bigfoot, now, those three have captured one!" he snagged a Milky Way off the desk and bit into it, Then, he looked at it, startled. In his excitement, he'd forgotten to remove the wrapper.

Eric jeered at him, " You little glutton, you ought to weigh two hundred pounds, eating like that. Got the munchies again? Been eating some of Nate and Pothead here's "special brownies" HGLURFF!!" he went down, victim to a double sacking by Jackson and Nathan.

Daley glared at them, then helped Eric up from the floor roughly. " You ok?" she asked the battered and abused McGorrill, who squeaked in a tenor voice:

"I'm fine. Peachy." Then he ran to the bathroom. The noise that followed as not very pleasant.

" He's right. I can't believe you two idiots bought some brownies from a head shop! And then left them out where that black haired colon could get to them, " she snarled , pointing a finger at Lex, who cringed in the face of her awesome wrath.

" I told you, I didn't know they were anything other than brownies. Until I got hungrier than usual," he protested. He hadn't liked being high; he spent enough time hungry anyway, the munchies had made it a dozen times worse. He still had bandages on two of his fingers where he had bit them, aiming for some Chik-O-stiks. " You two junkies." he said , giving a mean look to Jackson and Nathan, who just laughed.

He turned back towards the screen , reading it. " Oh man, they get to share a million dollar reward. Man," he looked disgusted, " I begged to be able to go with them, now I won't get anything."

Jackson stood there, a haughty expression on hs Gallic face, he declared in a strong, even voice, " Oh yes we will. We sent them there. We split the costs evenly. So we split the reward evenly. And then, e go back to the plan, to take don adversary2113 once and for all."

Eric staggered out of the bathroom, moaning. He looked up at Jackson with adoration in his eyes: " Dude, you're just to freaking fawesome for us, you fexcellent ffellow you." he ducked as a paperweight nearly took his head off.

" Quit trying to make like Beware of Dogs and WOODLAWNIAN. You don't have their style." Jackson said form here he stood, best Abercrombie and Fitch nonchalant expression on his face.

" If that little bit of blatant namedropping doesn't get a review, nothing will," Daley mumbled softly.

" Daley, you know the writer hates it when you break the fourth wall, " Nathan aid, nudging her in her ribs.

She looked up at the battered Dell's screen and apologized, " Please carry on."

There was, as usual, no response.

" Let's keep it in character, " Jackson said. He spoke to Lex, " Where are they going to take the Bigfoot to Lex. That has to be where the three of them will be. And I'd love to know why none of them have their cell phones with them." That minor mystery had been bothering him for days now.

" Hmm, they'll be taking it to the zoo at Spokane, temporarily. I bet they give them a lift." He looked sycophantically at Jackson, "We can still carry the plan out can't we? I'm dying to blast fan fiction's mainframe into kibble!' he started drumming his fingers on the desk, until Daley rapped his knuckles smartly.

Nate; " Spokane has a zoo?"

Daley :" Apparently it does now." she said, eyes skyward. She noticed Lex reaching under the desk, probably for the Tootsie Rolls he had hidden there.

" Keep in character guys." Jackson reminded them.

" One more piece of candy and I tell Dad what happened to his old Hustler collection." Daley had bitchy look# 26 on her face, her second worst one. He edged away from his emergency stash of Tootsie Rolls.

" Hey, that's hitting below the belt!" Eric said. He'd paid dearly for those mags! He flinched as Cody walked by him, reaching out to give him a mild push toards the couch as he went and sat back down.

He looked at the group as though he was royalty, giving his command: " We'll go there, t Spokane tomorrow. No more horse crap of waiting. We get Lex to that mainframe, even if Eric, Daley and Nathan all have to sleep with that goofy looking guard, much less Mel and Taylor, " he ignored the look of horror _**that**_ caused, " we turn fan fiction into a warzone and e find this bastard. And then, game over. For him."

And then he held his feet up for Eric to rub them with a smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author Here: Sorry it' been s long. I had midterms and went outta state to help my brother's family move.**

**Chapter Six**

**The hideous, foul smelling, shambling creature yowled, growled, hooted and howled as the flashes of the camera and TV crews sent a most unwelcome barrage of light into the grimy, bleary eyed face. And then, when Captain Russell had finally calmed down, the damned Sasquatch began making a racket of his own. Melissa Wu and Taylor Hagen stood beside him on the small dais as the director of the Spokane Zoo and the president of the national Inquisitor, a rag of a magazine that had no been forced to pay the million dollar reward for a Sasquatch it had offered for almost 35 years to pay. Needless to say, that worthy looked as if he'd cheerfully bite the head off of a anaconda, or better yet, a small child, right about now, but had to fake a smile as he presented the check to the unlikely threesome some. Mel's mind wandered back to ho the had found Buffy, Taylor's stupendously odd nickname for the smelly brute.**

**They had been forced down into a cavern by an irate grizzly. There had only been one hope out; a small opening in the cave all. The decision as to who should go had been simple. Russell was too big, Taylor was, well, too **_**Taylor**_**, to do it. So, Mel had had no choice but to crawl through the wall, with only the small clip on light from her car keys and one of Jackson' s Zippo's he collected ( and she had never yet found out why he collected the things; an arsonist in the making , she'd often wondered) to light her way.**

**She had blundered around in the caves for to hours before hearing an odd, yet familiar noise.**

" **BRRfft!" was the sound, followed by an eye watering stench.**

" **Captain Russell?" she had called out hopefully. **_**maybe they found a way around after all! **_**she'd thought , excited. Until she got the answer.**

" **HWOO-GAH!" said the source of the noisy stench.**

" **WAHHH!!!" said the source of the sound of frantic sized eight feet running as Mel had turned to run for her life…**

**And, in a move worthy of Taylor or Russell, ran face first into a stalagmite.. Or stalactite. She'd never been to clear on which was which, all she knew was it had, in the words of the comic legend Chris Tucker, "knocked her the fuck out". **

**And when she came too, a seven and a half foot tall, odious, damp furred but almost human face had been peering down at her, in an almost protective fashion. It hadn't reeked of cheap cologne, she knew at once it wasn't Russell. It had reached over and tenderly touched her bruised and scraped head, cooing softly to her as it had. And so had begun her unlikely friendship.**

**It had seemed to understand her need to escape. It had led her out, after a seven hour walk, to the outside of the mountain. Then, it had taken several deep breaths, turning and running at flank speed up the hillside. Mel had followed and it had went straight to the opening of the pit they had fallen into the night before! And it had dove in and promptly snatched up Captain Russell, determined to try to mate with him, to his horror and Taylor' disgust.**

**After cackling for ten minute, Mel had managed to get the Sasquatch to bodily fling Russell and Taylor up. And it had followed them every since. Even hen they got to the highway and a half drunk (ok, **_**completely lit) **_**trucker had picked them up. **

**Trucker: " Man, that kid needs a shave!" had been his sole comment abut Buffy. Before he crashed the truck into a State Trooper on the Spokane city limits. **

**Buffy had proven to be totally devoted to Russell. He still couldn't leave the zoo without her immediately howling a heart rendering cry.**

**Her mind came back to the here and now as five familiar faces came to the edge of the crowd. Daley , Nathan and Lex stared at the Bigfoot in obvious fascination , as it reached through the bars to playfully tug at Russell's new, neon green Hawaiian shirt. He flinched at every touch.**

**Eric was snapping photos from his cell phone as Jackson stood there for a moment, the sun seeming to kiss his perfectly complexioned skin, his clear turquoise eyes reflecting the light as he looked up at Mel, who nearly swooned in a hormonal flood of ecstasy as his sheer perfection threatened to overwhelm her. She reached a hand out to her beloved other, who casually swung her down, kissed her thoroughly, and ripped the check from her hands.**

" **We'll split this up later. First, let's get away from here so you guys can tell us how the hell you managed to crash yet again and find a Bigfoot while you were doing it. Oh, the cost of this trip's coming outta you three's share, by the way. " he said in a no nonsense tone as she literally hung on hi every word. He winced slightly as she grabbed his arm and replied.**

"**Your wish is my command Cody. God, I'd forgotten how perfect you are." she said, in awe at his awesomeness, ignoring the gagging coming from the rest of the 29 Downers at the sickening display.**

" **Damn straight," he said, flashing a smile at her that would have made strong men pledge their lives for his and strong women rip his clothes off. Or in the case of Eric, probably both.**

**He continued, "let's go cash the check, grab some food and then, we'll plan for tonight."**

**Taylor piped up, form here she was gleeful watching Russell, with the help f three handlers, struggle away from his unrequited love, " Then the plan's still n?! But we barely survived another plane crash, a grizzly and a Sasquatch! Don't we deserve any consideration.?"**

" **While you three were missing, adversary2113 seems to have been on vacation. I don't ant him to come back, recharged, and decide in hi next story, I'm a male prostitute or something! So, let's go!" he snapped, turning t leave.**

**As they made their way out of the zoo, the mournful cry of a frustrated Buffy could be heard echoing."BOBBBYYYY!!!"**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Jackson stood on the balcony of the suite he had rented for himself, Eric and Mel. The others were gathered around as well as they went over the plans for the assault on the FanFiction HQ. The sunlight lit up Cody Jackson's face and seemed to almost restore his highlights to his brown hair as he stood there, a look of concentration on his rugged, handsome face. The winds seemed to still in reverent awe at the demigod like perfection of the leader of the 29 Downers as he took a breath and began going over the assignments in his perfectly modulated baritone as Mel and Eric looked as their boyfriend, in awe at his awesomeness, as usual. Mel barely managed to hold onto consciousness as he spoke, he effected her so strongly. Eric managed to wipe the drool from his chin barely in time as Jackson snapped at him first.

" Ok Eric, you and Lex will be responsible for most of the actual destruction tonight. He's got the virus ready and all of his little techno friends from the site are ready too. What did you decide to do to , by means of distracting the police from the place, in case Nathan can't keep Elmer busy?" the tallish 18 year old demanded of the slighter built, ginger haired Eric, who had a gleam of sheer evil in his ferret like eyes.

" Oh yeah, I got a plan, " he drawled, wringing his bony hands together with glee in an overtly theatrical way. " lex's buddy WOODLAWNIAN gave us a few pointers on firepot, the many uses of chlorine and Beware of Dogs had a pointer or two as well. I'm gonna set off the biggest dog poop filled bag in history right on the Spokane City Hall right about the time Kid Genius here, " he glanced at the enigmatically smiling young Lex Marin, " and his thousand and one cyber friends start blitzing the system. And I have a few nasty little surprises form the rent a cops at the Fan Fiction place too. I even have a box of free Depends, loaded with itching powder for that 80 year old guard at the ground floor! Man, this is gonna be more fun than drilling a hole in the Hartwell Cheerleaders dressing room again!" He laughed heartily, ignoring the distressed look on Taylor's face at the mention of the infamous Hole In The Wall at Hartwell. Eric had made a fortune, charging 5 bucks a peep until goody Two Shoes McHugh had threatened to turn him in!

Lex spoke up:' yeah, I have the whole gang assembled. And it should incriminate Adversary2113 just like you wanted Jackson, " he grinned sycophantically at the Imperious Leader of the group, " since I recruited every single one of his reviewers except for josefina. Eww. Even a cyber assassin like me has some standards! Joucelin Hades, dally2, jelissalover, angelofvengeance8, they're ready to blast the site off of the map!" He laughed manically as he shoved seven starbursts into his mouth at one time.

Jackson grinned back , then turned his awesome attention to a strangely subdued Nathan McHugh. He ignored the soft snickering from Daley, Taylor and Mel as he spoke to the stalwart McHugh slightly sympathetically.

" Nate, are you up to this? We can't do it unless you are."

McHugh shook his wooly mane with a look of terrified disgust, " I'm gonna do my part! You just be sure you watch out for my ass. And I mean that literally Chief!" He shuddered at the though of his role in the assault. To seduce the guard!

They had planned initially for one of the girls to have the unwelcome task of seducing the horrendous guard Elmer, who still looked like the bastard love child of Captain Spaulding from Devil's rejects and Lurch Adams, so as to gain entrance into the building. Unfortunately, they hadn't reckoned with one thing.

He was gay. Really not just merely gay but really most sincerely gay. As in had posters of Brent Everett, a infamous Canadian porn star and Judy Garland on the FRONT door of his apartment. His ringtones were show tunes. Hell, his car horn honked the theme song from Torch Light Trilogy, for the Almighty's sakes. The dyed pink hair and the GLAD tags on his vest and his car were almost superfluous. And he also had one small kink that worked in their favor. He loved biracial young men with a pure and burning passion. Fortunately, that was a slot that was filled in the 29 Downers case, to Mel, Daley and Taylor's amused relief and Nathan's immense horrification.

Jackson turned his attention to where Mel, Taylor, Captain Russell and Daley were sitting at the small table. Daley and Russell both tensed slightly as he looked cool at them. Daley had a freshly printed flyer in her hand. Jackson looked in her direction and asked: " I see you have the flyers you guys are supposed to fly over and drop all around town. Well let's hear what we have to say to the good people of Spokane Day."

Daley stood up , cleared her throat and read the flyer's content to the group.

" To the good and great citizens of the city of Spokane, Washington. We would like to inform you of a cancer that is eating away at the heart and soul of your fair city. A disease that is slowly rotting away the foundations of the high moral code of conduct that so exemplifies this proud and worthy community. It is a cancer that calls itself FanFiction!

It began innocently enough. A free site so that budding young writers could have adventures with their favorite characters. Where they could pick up after many of the shows had been cancelled. A place where they could put themselves or their own creations in with those of their idols. But now, the hidden price of the free site is having to be paoid. Many of your favorite characters from cinema and books are being perverted, in many respects quite literally! This site has become littered with amateur pornography. Simple, wholesome shows like Malcolm in the Middle , which have large followings in reruns, are being rewritten into sagas of incestual lust!

Rin Tin Tin, Lassie. Old Yeller. Family pets at their finest. Not so on FanFiction! Now, while the husbands away, even the dog gets to play. People, bestiality is just plain wrong!

And now, even real life people, like the Survivors of Flight 29 Down are being used and abused on this site. One particular writer, who goes by the non de plume of adversary2113 has had our fictional counterparts engage in every type of perversion known to man! The only thing the haven't had sex with yet is the kitchen sink, and if he sees this flyer, that will undoubtedly soon follow!

This is a cry for help! Please, if you have any decency left in you, Destroy Fan Fiction. Have your lawyers call them and make sure you aren't the next ones on a pervert's poisoned pen pal listing! Stop Fan Fiction before it spreads it's poison too far. Before we wind up like the godless, heathen communists did; NONEXISTANT!

Thank you for your Support!

Damnation to FanFiction!"

Nathan's jaw hung. Taylor looked confused. Russell jumped guiltily as Jackson scowled at him; he'd been scratching his privates again. Eric and Mel looked stunned. Lex, eating slowly on a Snickers, looked somewhat scared. Daley looked at Jackson expectantly, obviously hoping for praise.

" You were too damn wishy washy!" Jackson said quietly.

Next: The invasion of FanFiction!


	8. Chapter 8

Hey people! Sorry for the enormous delays-between broken arm, moving and school, plus a new job, I've been busy. Thanks for the encouraging words dally2, Jocelyn , jelissalover and you others.

Chapter 8

The Attack Commences!

Jackson was in position, the mist from the infamous Washington rains swirling softly around his tall frame as he tapped a message onto his cell. It went to Lex at the speed of light.

Lex's phone vibrated as he sat in his sister's car. A grin of sheer malice came across his face as he snatched his laptop up and sent the command on to his most trusted confederates on FanFiction. The first phase of the attack was now beginning .

Dally2 received the signal. Ignoring her sister pounding at her bedroom door, demanding her laptop back, she pecked away for a few moments, then sent no less than three viruses arcing through the net to Fan Fiction.

In the cold Canadian night, Joucelin Hades was enjoying a massage from Lars, her favorite masseuse, when the command came. The self made millionaire snapped her fingers at Inge, her personal assistant, who brought the platinum plated Dell to her. Hades languidly keyed a sequence and a half more tainted messages went to the embattled site. A disdainful smirk was on the socialites face as she turned her head and her massage resumed.

In their subterranean lair, WOODLAWNIAN, Beware of Dogs and a host of their associates (who had a total of seventy three Interpol warrants issued against them for various acts of international lunacy) turned and grinned at one another. With demonic laughter, the terrible twosome and their allies sent a blistering barrage towards Fan Fiction.

Sugar 144. Jelissalover. Angel of Vengeance 8. All were summoned to action and all responded. Tired of the incessant technical problem, indifference and plain arrogance of Fan Fiction, they lashed out as one.

In the citadel of the enemy, technicians Earl Thurston and Rachel Chin were NOT having a good night. The feeble minded (and to be frank, cheap) FF central hub had been acting up even worse than usual. Their head of department, a garrulous Canuck named Denis LePic, also known behind his back as Denis Le Prick, was currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation for threatening suicide after the last major server update and the thousand and one death threat he'd received in the chaos surrounding it's installation. And tonight, they had been on shift less than two hours and the virus software was under an all out attack.

" What the Hell?! Dammit Rach, my servers are going bonkers from this!" the balding Thurston whined as two of the terminals in front of him blared warnings of virus detections at him. He waved his arms , pointing a pudgy finger towards the ceiling. " I told you they just won't spend the money necessary to upgrade these antiques!" he said angrily as yet another warning went off. Tear of rage were in his muddy brown eyes.

Rachel Chin had no time for her coworkers histrionics; her side of the room looked like a war zone as she frantically battled against a flood of messages from Europe. She pulled her frazzled black hair from her face as fought to restore order. " I'd bet money that adversary2113 character is behind this! And probable WOODLAWNIAN and Beware of Dogs too, blast his and his bizarre name! Arrgh!" She slammed a fist into the desktop as her third sever in a row went into a screen full of gibberish.

Daley turned to Lex, who was popping red hots into his mouth while staring intently into his laptop. " How's it working Lex?"

Lex turned a beautiful smile up at his elder step sister. " Fan Fiction couldn't send out for a pizza now without the computers exploding! Their piece of crap mainframe is down and it'll take a week for them to reboot it all!" He slurped noisily from a Monster as Daley grinned back at him.

In the passenger seat, Nathan McHugh shifted nervously in his seat. He was dressed in the tightest clothes he owned. He had the most garishly overdone gold chain they could buy on his neck and a flaming gold bandanna around his springy hair. Black boots and a silver belt completed his ensemble.

_I look like a two dollar rent boy, for pity's sake! _Nathan thought to himself. _Hope Elmer doesn't get too turned on!_

As if she could read his mind, Daley giggled , " Ok stud for hire, now it's your turn. See if you can sweet talk the entrance code from Elmer so Cody, Mel and Eric can get in to plant the other files."

" If he wants anything other than sweet talk, I'm running!" McHugh promised archly as he opened the door and got outside. His discomfort was plain on his café au lait skin even in the streetlight. He started to walk off when Daley spoke up.

"Here, you may need this . It's been know to stop horny men, " she said with a grin as she tossed a small bottle of pepper spray to a scowling Nathan with a tinkling laugh.

He shoved the bottle into his shirt pocket and left without another word.

NEXT- Will Elmer find true love? Will the computers of Fan Fiction explode and take our heroes with them? Will I write another chapter before the 22 century arrives?

Find out!


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